Tonight I drown in anxiety
for unspoken things
and its only the whispers
through the trees
to whom I can speak
✨Deferential Devil✨
Author: deferentialdevil
Standards
He called me kind but inside
I wanted to tear him to bits
For making me feel less than
when I am so much more than
For holding me to higher standards
to which he didn’t deign to lift himself
✨Deferential Devil✨
Days
On my best days I’m a storm
blowing through the world,
knocking down anything
which blocks my path
or raining down my love
On my worst days
I am a disaster
A mess of a human
all emotion, tragedy, and darkness
A tsunami swallowing cities whole
But everyday, I’m still me
whether the world sees it
I won’t break to make others ok
All that does is kill my storm
but doesn’t calm my seas
✨Deferential Devil✨
Truth
Truth isn’t always meant to be good news
Sometimes it hurts, rips you open
But there’s a certain beauty to it
because someone felt comfortable,
and open, to telling you their truth
And that is a rare gift of freedom
which you gave to them
✨Deferential Devil✨
Proud
I’m proud of how you decided
to change what didn’t serve
the kind of life you want
Your courage is immense
and your heart is bigger
than you’d care to admit
But I see it, acknowledge it,
and celebrate the kindness
you’d hide from others
✨Deferential Devil✨
Stoic
They said
“You don’t react to much”
As a woman, my reactions are considered;
loud, hostile, weak, unfriendly, emotional,
ridiculous, stupid, too much, disruptive,
and always over the top
As an abuse survivor, non reaction
means no adverse action
and often
Stoicism equals life
✨Deferential Devil✨
Heartbreak
Heartbreak has always been
part of the human experience
But I think as an empath,
one feels both sides at times
and that makes it so much heavier
It’s like carrying another soul
but not knowing how to put it down
✨Deferential Devil✨
Nothing
I never said…
his support thrilled me
or how I adored his laugh
that he made my heart quiver
and made my spine shiver
How I missed his presence
when he was busy
and that I, who hates phones,
wanted to speak all day
But I was too afraid,
said nothing
and now that’s what I hold
✨Deferential Devil✨
Fantasy
My heart longs sometimes
unbidden and soulfully,
for the days, but especially the people
whose creativity made everyday
feel everlasting and fantastical
The magic, mayhem, and laughter
spun by their fingertips
will forever remain
in the shadows and rafters
of a tavern in a mystical land
and deep within my heart
✨Deferential Devil✨
Fucked
Musings on an interaction:
Our society is so fucked up, that when I told a friend what I desired in a (male) partner, I was told I was asking too much.
“Too much” included: someone I’m sexually attracted to, nice and makes me laugh, a guy who takes care of himself—isn’t careless with his mental health and physical health, but which doesn’t mean he’s a bodybuilder/buff-, doesn’t treat me like a sex toy (i.e. constant one sided sexual interactions), and not abusive. If that’s reaching for the stars, I’ll reach for the fucking stars. If I never meet a man like that, so be it. I’m happy alone too.
The most messed up thing about this, is the idea that a man like this doesn’t exist, or that he’s so rare, I’ll never meet him. Honest, loving, attractive, and fun guys exist who don’t expect sex dolls for a partner. And lets not forget that attraction is in the eye of the beholder, and people are attractive for their personality and thoughts as much as, if not more, than their physical shell. Hold out for the right one and love yourself until then.
✨Deferential Devil✨
