Days

On my best days I’m a storm
blowing through the world,
knocking down anything
which blocks my path
or raining down my love

On my worst days
I am a disaster
A mess of a human
all emotion, tragedy, and darkness
A tsunami swallowing cities whole

But everyday, I’m still me
whether the world sees it
I won’t break to make others ok
All that does is kill my storm
but doesn’t calm my seas

✨Deferential Devil✨

Stoic

They said
“You don’t react to much”

As a woman, my reactions are considered;
loud, hostile, weak, unfriendly, emotional,
ridiculous, stupid, too much, disruptive,
and always over the top

As an abuse survivor, non reaction
means no adverse action
and often
Stoicism equals life

✨Deferential Devil✨

Nothing

I never said…
his support thrilled me
or how I adored his laugh
that he made my heart quiver
and made my spine shiver
How I missed his presence
when he was busy
and that I, who hates phones,
wanted to speak all day
But I was too afraid,
said nothing
and now that’s what I hold

✨Deferential Devil✨

Fantasy

My heart longs sometimes
unbidden and soulfully,
for the days, but especially the people
whose creativity made everyday
feel everlasting and fantastical
The magic, mayhem, and laughter
spun by their fingertips
will forever remain
in the shadows and rafters
of a tavern in a mystical land
and deep within my heart

✨Deferential Devil✨

Fucked

Musings on an interaction:

Our society is so fucked up, that when I told a friend what I desired in a (male) partner, I was told I was asking too much.

“Too much” included: someone I’m sexually attracted to, nice and makes me laugh, a guy who takes care of himself—isn’t careless with his mental health and physical health, but which doesn’t mean he’s a bodybuilder/buff-, doesn’t treat me like a sex toy (i.e. constant one sided sexual interactions), and not abusive. If that’s reaching for the stars, I’ll reach for the fucking stars. If I never meet a man like that, so be it. I’m happy alone too.

The most messed up thing about this, is the idea that a man like this doesn’t exist, or that he’s so rare, I’ll never meet him. Honest, loving, attractive, and fun guys exist who don’t expect sex dolls for a partner. And lets not forget that attraction is in the eye of the beholder, and people are attractive for their personality and thoughts as much as, if not more, than their physical shell. Hold out for the right one and love yourself until then.

✨Deferential Devil✨