Stoic

They said
“You don’t react to much”

As a woman, my reactions are considered;
loud, hostile, weak, unfriendly, emotional,
ridiculous, stupid, too much, disruptive,
and always over the top

As an abuse survivor, non reaction
means no adverse action
and often
Stoicism equals life

✨Deferential Devil✨

Nothing

I never said…
his support thrilled me
or how I adored his laugh
that he made my heart quiver
and made my spine shiver
How I missed his presence
when he was busy
and that I, who hates phones,
wanted to speak all day
But I was too afraid,
said nothing
and now that’s what I hold

✨Deferential Devil✨

Virus

The walls grow smaller and close in
my mind reels in it’s darkest sin
No one else to help clear my head
while more days are spent in bed

Easily tired from days of nothing
There’s no joy in everything
Monotony kills my creative side
and all I do is sit and sigh

✨Deferential Devil✨

Word Fist

My neck and shoulders hurt
from this clenching of the jaw
body tired from fighting
against the unseen, unheard,
but definitely feared, “perhaps”
A threat of violence lingers,
tense and realized,
muscles taught and ready
while air squeezes from tired lungs
from words that suffocate and strike
as hard as a pounding fist

✨Deferential Devil✨

Tell Me

How does one settle
after a life of flight or fight
To finally learn self-worth,
with boundaries so strict
an army couldn’t penetrate

How does one live
without fear of destructive ‘love,’
fear of painful and swift reprisal,
crippling self-doubt, and self-hate

How to sleep after it all…
Tell me there is a balance
between the former darkness
and the newest light
so the pendulum swing isn’t so extreme

✨Deferential Devil✨